Up and down the street

To get anywhere from our resort you have to walk. This suited us just fine. Old Vallarta is teeming with interesting sights. Some of the funniest things we saw were right outside our door. Across the street, right next to the looming stairway to hell is one of the innumerable pharmacies in PV. These pharmacies sell everything a foreigner might need: toothpaste, diarrhea pills, diapers and of course, sunscreen. Woe betide the forgetful traveler who arrives in Mexico without his sunscreen. While every pharmacy offers a colorful variety of products to deal with sunburn prevention or treatment the average price is about $20.00 a bottle.

     Another thing pharmacies sell in Mexico are prescriptions. While on the surface this might not seem unusual, the fact that you can buy all of the prescription medication here without a single endorsement from a doctor, however, is definitely different. Yes any Joe Blow can walk in off the street and buy just about any drug you can think of. Pharmacies are so competitive down here that they list their most popular drugs on billboards outside their shops to try and entice septuagenarians to buy Viagra at their shop rather than the one down the street.

    It's interesting to note that the drugs listed first on the billboard outside our resort are for erectile dysfunction and heartburn. Obviously the old guys who stay near us need a lot of help keeping their boners up and their burritos down.
     Of course there is another way to work with erectile dysfunction and that is to indulge in one of the many many Mexican massage parlors in and around our neighborhood. Most of the ones on our street were nothing more that one small room. Staffed by one man wearing greasy hair and a white tank top. These massage parlors promise stress relief either on site or as a room service. Happy endings are a sure bet and it's funny to think that this form of prostitution is so mundane that many massage parlors advertise explicitly.

Comida!

     Lets talk about food for a moment shall we? This is one of my favorite subjects and it's been hard holding back this long. I LOVE to talk about food, I love cooking it, tasting it and savoring new flavors. I will generally try anything once just to say that I have (insects and certain seafoods excluded). Our mission when we got to Mexico was to try new things. To enjoy foods that we could read about on the internet but were hard-pressed to find in rural Manitoba. Here are some of the most common Mexican dishes we sampled during our stay:

     Antojitos mexicanos

(Photos courtesy of the WWW)

 1. Guacamole: This is made fresh. I mean they don't cut into the avocado until after you order. Basically your ingredients are avocado, cilantro, white onion, salt and lime juice. In my books, this dip is improved with chili powder and tomato but in general, the first five ingredients are par for the course around here.

   2.Salsa fresca: SOOOOOOO much better than canned salsa, this fresh version is made from seeded tomatoes, cilantro, jalapeno peppers (with the seeds), white onion, line juice and salt. You will get this simple dip at every restaurant and corner store...however, beware the corner store variety- you may end up spending too much time in the bathroom as a result of ingesting this tasty gem.

     3. Tortillas de Mais: Corn flour tortillas are the backbone of all Mexican cuisine. Flour tortillas came later, when agriculture was more established in the north- near the states. "Traditionally the corn is soaked and cooked in an alkaline solution, usually limewater, and hulled (called Nixtamal)" (Wikipedia). Then the corn is dried, and ground into flour. From there it is combined with additional ingredients, flattened and cooked. This basic tortilla is your wrap for burritos, enchiladas and several other delicious dishes. If you go on to fry the tortilla you get the most delicious chips your ever tasted (forget Doritos). These chips can be used to pick up your favorite dip, or put into your favorite soup (in fact, there is a soup here that is called simply "Tortilla soup"). You can even coat the fried tortillas in sugar for a dessert treat, although I have looked for it I haven't found this dish yet...   


     4. Mole: This unique sauce pays homage to the Aztecs and uses chocolate as it's base. Using this simple and intoxicating base, Mole transforms into a sauce that is spicy, luscious, hearty and tangy. Other ingredients include chillis, spices, bread and tortillas. Each region in Mexico has its own version of Mole and in my opinion it is always worth trying...just because it really is so different. I had Mole sauce served over enchiladas, stuffed with cheese. Accompanying this meal with rice and beans- another Mexican staple.

  5. Enchiladas: These are tortillas filled with either chicken, beef or cheese ( and possibly fish, although I haven't seen this offered here). The meat is seasoned and the whole enchilada is baked in a sauce. As I mentioned above, once sauce option is Mole but you can also have red or green salsas of varying heat. I have noticed that most of the dishes we've seen have some form of cheese in them but I have the sneaking suspicion that if you were to travel away from the tourist beaten track, you'd find more meat and tortillas and far less dairy.

   6. Chilis Rellanos: This is definitely a dish I'd never seen north of the 49th parallel. You take a Poblano chili, slice it open and seed it. Then stuff it with cheese. Batter and bread the outside and then deep-fry it. Cover it in delicious red salsa (not the same as salsa fresca) and voila. You've got a dish that is fatty, bready, saucy, and cheesy- all in one.

 
   7. Chilaquiles: A typical breakfast food (classified as a dry soup), in a place where breakfast is meant to have testiculos rather than pose as sugar coated Valium. Chilaquiles are red or green salsa with cheese, fried tortillas, cream and your choice of eggs, chicken or beef. You can really imagine vaqueros (cowboys) filling up on this stuff around the campfire in the early dawn before heading out to wrangle some vacas. I'm sure chilaquiles with tequila would have done the trick nicely.

    8. Empanadas: These are basically meat pies. Empanada means to wrap or envelope and so your filling is completely surrounded in dough. At its best, an empanada is flaky and light, but the ones I ate the other night with thick, heavy and kinda gross. Not a favorite, I'd prefer my empanada filled with cheddar cheese and apples.

Drinks

     Being 6 months pregnant I really couldn't attest to much, aside from virgin versions of the common holiday fair: margaritas, daiquiris, pina coladas, and the occasional sip of cerveza. As much as the gangs of young, aggressive-to-the-point-of-being-nearly-hostile, greasy-haired tequila vendors tried to get us to "cummon amigos, take a shot of tequeela" we resisted. From what I can remember of wild nights on the town- tequila tastes like donkey piss. Sorry, but that's just how I feel about it. 

There was one night when Cally drank some of what I assumed was my virgin Pina Colada. Then she started acting weird. A quick taste test made me wonder and I hastily removed  the drink from her blurry sight.

What we did outside the bathroom

Safe on the towel, Cally rehydrates.

Dad trying to convince Cally to touch the water. As soon as a wave rolled in, she'd lift her legs up.

Swimming with mom, comfortable in chlorinated waters.

     But seriously folks, Mexico isn't just about intestinal upset and the fella's next door playing leapfrog. It's about the beaches, the food and making futile attempts to say "No thank you, I don't want to buy your wrap/jewellery/knick-knack/hat/parasite infested food-on-a-stick or other crap" in another language.               Traveling with a two-year-old meant that most of our activities had to be scheduled for the morning, when Cally was at her perkiest. During this time we usually chose to either explore our surroundings or "play" on the beach. It's funny really, for a child who loves the pool and swimming, she required a lot of coaxing just to touch the ocean. It also took Cally three days to walk on the sand without throwing a tantrum. At her best,  She would awkwardly waddle about 10 feet from the towel, holding dads hand. She would then quickly turn tail and head back to the safety of her beach towel. Something about how the sand felt made her morph from a pleasant little girl into a raging lunatic. Thank goodness Trevor had the patience to carry her- and carry her he did. A LOT!

A weekend job

I spent the next two days trying to sleep and in the washroom. How comforting to know that Cally fully understands the concept of the potty. She found it entertaining to announce to anyone who would listen, "Mommy poop. Mommy stink."  Yes, two is a flattering age for everyone

Calves of steel and montezuma's revenge

    It turns out that the beauty and charm of Old Vallarta lies not only in its allure as the gay quarter, but also in it's old-world charm. Negotiating the pocked cobblestone streets and steep tiled steps that link one calle to it's vertical neighbor it's easy to forget you're in Mexico. Instead of finding effeminate men wearing hot pants and front-pack chihuahua carriers, your imagination leads you to expect to find an authentic Italian gelati stand or a French pastry shop around the next bend. And although you never do...(Italian-inspired Mexican cuisine is about as close as you'll get), there's something about the atmosphere that makes just about anything possible.
     Scattered amongst the gender specific tourists you find a large smattering of retirees who spend a month to the entire winter here in Vallarta. They've purchased or rented holiday spaces of all caliber and seem to revel in the marvels and splendor that come with this eclectic part of the city. Catering to these tourists are all manner of yoga teachers. The other day I attended one of these classes.

     The sign stuck to the lamppost advertised yoga to reinvigorate and restore the body and mind. How could I resist? All I had to do was find the stairs across from the hotel and ascend to meditative bliss...easier said than done. The stairs turned out to be a crumbling collection of bricks, mortar, dirt and unidentifiable muck that went up and up and up...Unsure of whether there would ever be an end, or and exit for that matter I actually made the treacherous climb twice until I finally materialized, sweaty and shaking onto the street one block above our resort. The class itself was pure bliss. Our teacher, Anya, dutifully modified the poses to accommodate my protruding belly, but all the way through I could feel my tender calves whimpering from the climb and I wondered how I would feel in the morning.
    I couldn't walk for the next two days...then I got something that makes the locals laugh and tourists quake in their sandals...Montezuma's revenge!

This is the stairway to heaven...or hell- depending on how you want to look at it. At least the homeless guy left me alone.

All the colors of the rainbow

     Because our resort isn't an all-inclusive we were free to eat-suntan-tour wherever we wanted. Although the scenery on our resort's beach was colorful to say the least, as Trevor put it:
     "Let's head to the beach on the right, because the beach on the left ain't right."
     What it was though was beautiful. You've never seen such a bunch of good-looking and definitely unavailable men in all your life. And while I generally hold with the belief that tight bathing suits are meant for photo shoots and hard-cased plastic mannequins I was willing to let my stance slip a bit in lieu of who was sporting these speedos on our beach.

     I asked the tight-jeaned, big-sunglasses-wearing salesman about whether the stuffing helped to sell the bathing suit above.
     "I coodent beleev when dey put dat dere."
     "Yes, it adds a certain flair doesn't it? But do you sell more bathing suits because of it?"
     He just smiled and shrugged his shoulders. I think it probably did.

sausage sausage all around...

...everybody loves sausage, except the two chicks I saw making out by the beach. Ines can tell you the rest.

     Greg wasn't wrong. Part of this resort was sold to XX resort from the original timeshare. The new owners started marketing this place as a gay resort. Time share owners from the previous timeshare were pissed about the change and voted 100% against it, but they were a minority. And so the compromise is that the resort keeps its website (the one that promotes it as a gay destination) and the official stance is that it is 'gay friendly'.
     From a business point of view it makes sense. We are right beside the #1 gay resort in PV and, well, as a 6 month pregnant woman with a child lets just say I stick out like a sore thumb. Your majority market is gay and after all- the bottom line is money. If you get the tourists, you can keep your business.
     Now from another point of view, lets say the one from our window...It's colorful to say the least. But 'cha know? Everyone seems really happy.